Breathe
by sixbynine
Summary: In the aftermath of a war no one escapes unscathed. But from the worst can come something beautiful.


_**The song is 2am Breathe by Anna Nalick. Also heard in Grey's anatomy :)**_

_**Fuck if I can work out what Office 2013 had done to the formatting of this...**_

* * *

_**2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,**_

_**"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?**_

_**I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"**_

"Ishida-kun"

The voice was beyond broken, and he closed his eyes against it. "Inoue, it's late"

"I didn't know who else to call" her voice broke and the sobs came down the line.

Ishida sat up and slipped his shoes on, he had been expecting the call for several days now; he had sensed the tiny life taking hold inside his friend the second she had returned from Seireitei.

"I'll be over in a minute"

_**Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes**_

_**Like they have any right at all to criticize,**_

_**Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason**_

He went with her to the clinic, held her hand as she approached the desk, helped her fill the form out and wrapped her in his arms as the other girls threw dirty looks at them in the waiting room.

He bore the judgemental stares with a straight back, the only man there.

In the end it had been too hard, too much and she had fled; sobs wracking her shoulders.

The stares had turned sour and Ishida could feel the weight of their assumptions weigh on him as he followed.

_**Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable  
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table  
No one can find the rewind button, girl.**_

That night, they had sat together, on a hill overlooking the river. The tears had dried, and she was sure of her choice, not happy, but sure. She had told him quietly how she had been sent out with a small team from the 4th to heal those too wounded to move and get them back to safety. It had been an ambush, of course, and those alongside her had fallen almost without a fight. It had been Renji, she said, who found her bloodied and huddled over a member of the 10th who was barely breathing, Renji who had pried her hands off him and swept her up, taking her back to the temporary lodgings she shared with those humans who were assisting. Cleaning the blood of her, the dirt, the mess, and as he went to put her in bed to sleep she had grabbed him wanting desperately to feel something, _anything_ apart from that dreadful emptiness.

Two days later he was dead.

_**So cradle your head in your hands  
And breathe... just breathe,  
Oh breathe, just breathe**_

Her voice broke and Ishida reached up to wipe a tear away,

"You did nothing wrong, Inoue"

"I didn't love him"

"You cared for him; you probably gave him one last precious memory"

"I used him"

"We're at war, every day we could die, we've all used each other" he tried to keep his voice neutral, but the bitterness and anger at their situation crept in.

"I feel like I betrayed you" her voice was so small he barely heard it, and Ishida felt all the rage seep out of him, he had never thought Inoue knew of his feelings.

"I didn't want to fall in love and have it taken away from me" she continued slightly stronger "So I kept away, I stayed in Soul Society while you were here, I couldn't stand to have it taken away" she looked up her eyes bright "And now…" she choked back a sob "Now look at me"

Ishida tipped her head back and pressed his lips lightly onto hers, his heart hammering "I love you anyway, I love you because of this, because you're the kind of person who would have a child because it's the right thing to do, to honour the memory of a dead friend, because there is already too much death in our lives" he looked her in the eye "Nothing in our lives is how it's supposed to be, and I doubt anyone expected this, but you're not alone Inoue and I know if Renji were still here you'd be even less alone"

She flung her arms around his neck.

The next morning they quietly informed those still in Karakura, with the request to pass the information on to those in Soul Society. They didn't lie, didn't hide the truth of the child's parentage or conception. Inoue left with the first real smile Ishida had seen in months, and for those receiving the news it seemed to breathe new life into them.

Out of everything one small spark of light.

_**May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss  
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,  
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."**_

Urahara found him, alone, back pressed against the stone wall lining the canal, his feet were bare, toes dipped into the water. Next to him was an empty bottle, the other in his hand.

"Happy birthday to me" he said looking up.

Urahara wasn't surprised, nothing like a good war to hone your paranoia and ability to sense someone approaching. It had been over for a year now, but still, old habits die hard.

"Drinking alone?"

"Well, when I drink in front of people they get all judgemental.

"I think the word you're looking for is worried, Kurosaki-kun"

"Back to Kurosaki-kun? Shame, I liked it when you screamed 'Ichigo'"

Urahara at least had the decency to look embarrassed "Your father is looking for you"

"I'm sure, I bet there is a lovely large party waiting for me, alcohol free of course" he mocked

Urahara sighed and sat down beside him "This habit is becoming worrisome, Kurosaki, barely a day goes by without you drinking something"

"So what, I can handle it, not like it affects me anyway"

"That's not the point; this isn't the way to cope"

He scoffed and stood up "And what is? Tell me, Mr know it all, how am I supposed to cope with the friends I lost, with the lives I took. How am I supposed to cope waking up every morning with one less face at the table? I tried fucking you until I forgot, until it felt better, but you kicked me out on my ass quicker than I could blink"

Urahara stood to meet his eyes, anger forming on his face "you make it sound so simple, like I was using you. I cared for you, I could have loved you, but all you wanted was a way to drown yourself. Forgive me Ichigo but I'm not going to be your self-destructive habit. I can't do it to myself and I won't do it to you"

"Fuck you Kisuke" he threw the bottle away and walked away.

_**Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,  
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,  
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.**_

He missed the birthday Isshin had planned; in fact Ichigo completely disappeared for over a month. Urahara looked, but found nothing, when Ichigo wanted to disappear he could with ease.

It hadn't always been that way, Urahara remembered the smile he had fallen in love with, the grin that seemed to persevere no matter what happened, he remembered watching Ichigo and Renji flirt with each other and step around the issue of owning up to their feelings.

It had hurt, but he had known it was for the best, known that Ichigo was not for him. So he was not surprised or upset when the two came back reeking of each other, subtle touches and movements betraying their new found relationship.

It had been Renji's death that had killed that smile, and Renji's death that had driven Ichigo to seek out him for comfort, in a rare moment of stupidity he had not tied those two events together and naively thought perhaps it was his time, perhaps for once he got to have something he wanted.  
The next morning and the sullen darkness coming from Ichigo had brought that hope crashing down and he had asked the man to leave.

His mobile jerked him out of his reverie, and he flipped it open,

"Urahara, it's time" Ishida sounded panicked and he could hear Inoue in the background.

His heart clenched as he raced to her home.

_**Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,  
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.  
No one can find the rewind button, boys,**_

Ichigo had slinked away to an old haunt, a nice abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town. During the war he had become a master at hiding his reiatsu and easily avoided detection.

Urahara's words hurt, more than they should have done. Perhaps it was because it was him saying it, someone who knew him so well, not someone just assuming his motivations.

He was not totally cruel; he had felt some guilt over the way he had treated his old teacher, using him callously to drown his sorrows after learning of Renji's death. He had thought he was falling in love, Renji was so easy to love, but it had been taken away before it even began. He had been angry to learn that Renji had slept with Inoue, but it only took a few brief seconds before he realised how stupid that was. Besides it was all so irrelevant. Everything was irrelevant; his glared at the bottle in his hand and threw it angrily across the room. How pathetic, Urahara was right this wasn't the way to cope, he was better than this.

_**So cradle your head in your hands,  
And breathe... just breathe,  
Oh breathe, just breathe**_

Ichigo found out the hard way he had been very wrong about the alcohol not affecting him. Perhaps he had never got drunk from it, but after a few days of withdrawal and cravings he was beginning to see how much he had depended on it.

The first day had been so easy, the second a little harder, and now after a week he was starting to think maybe it wasn't worth it. Maybe he didn't need his father's respect, or whatever it was Urahara was prepared to give. Zangetsu screamed in his head, the hollows voice joining it. He gritted his teeth.

He snuck into his room in the dead of night to use the shower, a month of living in a warehouse had left him less than fragrant, he felt over the worst of it. He felt like maybe he could face his dad, his sister, he wasn't sure about Urahara. He felt maybe the overwhelming weight of the world was just a bit less, and maybe, just maybe he could get through this.

More importantly he felt Inoue, he felt her cry out half away across town, and he heard the phone ring.

_**There's a light at each end of this tunnel,  
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out  
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again  
If you'd only try turning around**_

"Nii-sama" Rukia knelt outside her brothers door "I received word from the living world, Renji's child has been born, Abarai Fuyuko"

Byakuya didn't look up, "'Child of Winter' appropriate I suppose"

Rukia hesitated "I would like permission to visit"

Byakuya nodded "of course, I'll sort the paperwork out tomorrow"

"Nii-sama, you should come" she bowed her head, shocked even as the words left her mouth.

Byakuya had not been the same since Renji's death and Ichigo's departure back to Karakura.

Rukia had her suspicions about the relationship between the three of them, but had kept them to herself.

"Please leave Rukia" his voice was soft, and she could hear how tired and empty it was

"Of course" she slid the door shut and turned away. She had tried like everyone to talk to him, to get him to talk to her. It had been met with stone cold silence, it was like the last three years had never happened and they were back to the Kuchiki heir who cared only about his duty to the law.

She walked silently down the hall, she had hoped the knowledge of even a small part of Renji still living on would fix something in him, but it seemed only to deepen his solitude.

_**2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song  
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,  
Threatening the life it belongs to**_

He didn't even realise he was crying until the tears dropped fat and wet onto his calligraphy, smearing the ink.

He looked at it in horror and backed away as more came unbidden, out of his control.

He had never grieved for Renji's death, he had never allowed himself that weakness, but it seemed the news of his child's birth was one thing to many to keep inside.

He had hated the loud obnoxious red head that had invaded his division, he hated the way he spoke and dressed and spoke. But mostly he had hated the fact he stirred something inside him that he had never felt before, not even with his late wife had Byakuya ever felt such a deep desire to possess something entirely.

He had hated it even more when after years it had not abated and it became obvious the vibrant man returned the desire. He had coldly pushed him away, which meant he only had himself to blame when Renji took the hint and sought a relationship elsewhere.

"Nii-sama!" Rukia had not bothered with formalities, at the sounds of her brother crying she had burst into the room.

_**And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd  
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud  
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to**_

"I loved them both" he said quietly, the tears long gone, Rukia still half way to the door. He wasn't sure what possessed him to try and explain this to her. But he knew he had grown tired of hiding, the months since Ichigo's departure had been so hard.  
"At first I just wanted to have him, to make him mine. But, it wasn't proper so I pushed him back, made him turn against me" he down at the floor, unable to meet her eyes, out of everyone he could not bear for Rukia to turn away "Then he found Ichigo, and it…" he trailed off, unable to vocalise "they came to me, together, and …" he trailed off again, his mouth unwilling to put words to something so deeply personal, "afterwards, without Renji, we just couldn't" he looked up and was surprised to see Rukia standing near him, a hand held out.

"I know, I felt that maybe you three…" she trailed off and shook her head "It doesn't matter, as long as you were happy, as long as in all that, you three found something resembling happiness, you will again." She shook her hand "Come on, we have a baby to welcome to the family"

He took her hand and stood, for the first time feeling strong, like maybe in amongst all the heartache, and anger, and hate there was also hope.

_**But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,  
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table  
No one can find the rewind button now**_

They stood around her bed, Rukia grinning and taking pictures while Ishida and Inoue stared in wonder at the shock of red hair and tiny dark eyes that were so different and yet so much the same. There was no doubt about this child's father.

Byakuya nodded at Ichigo, noting with a slight smile, he was clean and appeared to be sober for the first time since before the war ended. He noticed Urahara's hesitant hand on the small of Ichigo's back and the blush that appeared on his former lover's cheeks as their eyes met. He smiled, genuinely happy Ichigo had found his way forward and he saw the boy visibly relax.

He stepped back allowing them some space,

"How are you?" The deep voice surprised him and he turned to see Isshin standing there drying his hands, Byakuya raised an eyebrow "well it was hardly a secret you and Renji were banging my son"

Byakuya made a choking noise at the older man's crassness, Isshin grinned "you're too easy" his face straightened "You haven't answered though"

"I will be fine"

Isshin nodded "I believe you" he looked back at the small group "it seems like; slowly the wounds are starting to heal"

"Apparently, some are deeper than others though"

Isshin nodded, Renji had made a deep impact on all of them, and had left a very large hole to fill, and his death an even bigger scar to heal.

"You know Kisuke used to have a huge crush on you, if you ask nicely…" Isshin trailed off and grinned widely at the spluttering sound the Kuchiki made.

It was not helped when Urahara cleared his throat and made pointed eye contact with him, his eyes fluttering under his hat, a slight smirk on his face.

Isshin just laughed harder.

_**Sing it if you understand.  
and breathe, just breathe  
woah breathe, just breathe,  
Oh breathe, just breathe,  
Oh breathe, just breathe.**_


End file.
